Thursday, November 11, 2010

Weekend Listomania (Special Two Tons of Fun! Audio/Video Edition)

Well, it's Friday and you know what the heck that means. Yes, my Oriental Hanes Underwear engineering consultant Fah Lo Suee and I are off to lovely Collinsville, Illinois, where we plan to ring the doorbell of Rep. John Shimkus [R-Out of His Fucking Gourd], the congressman currently poised to become chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, and run. Afterwards, we...

Okay, look, I'm sorry folks, but I really can't summon the energy to do another obligatory lame joke here. That's because Shimkus is the guy, as you may have heard, who claims that global climate change isn't a problem due to God having promised Noah he wouldn't destroy the Earth again.

Let me simply say it here, then, and for the record: There is no fricking excuse imaginable for allowing a patently insane ignoramus any input into the serious life and death business of America's energy policy. None whatsoever. And while I don't, as George Harrison said in Help, want to knock anybody's religion, I gotta also say -- if the Republicans let this theocratic nutcase within a mile of that committee chairmanship, which would be an act of breathtaking cynicism and irresponsibility, then I frankly hope they burn, over a slow spit, in the hell I personally don't believe in.

Okay, rant over. Now on to more pleasant topics, and I will try to refrain from any similar outbursts in the future.

Sooo...because things will probably be quiet around here for a few days, as per usual, here's a fun little project to help us wile away the idle hours:

Best or Worst Post-Elvis Single or Album Made By a Fat Person or Persons!!!

And before you say anything, I'm aware that this week's theme might be considered unkind or offensive -- that my attempts at humor here might easily cross over the line from snark into genuine bad taste, or even gratuitous cruelty. So let me assure you -- having had weight issues of my own from time to time, the remarks that follow will be both sensitive and un-judgemental.

[Note: If you believed any of the preceding paragraph, even for a nanosecond, please e-mail me at I have some bridgefront property in Brooklyn I'd like to discuss with you.]

Oh -- and please. No Meatloaf. There's really no need for that. Really.

And my totally top of my head Top Six includes:

6. The Fat Boys -- Jailhouse Rap

Hey, what can I tell you -- these guys always cracked me up.

5. Heart -- These Dreams

Heart - These Dreams .mp3
Found at bee mp3 search engine
I actually love this song, and to be fair, when it was recorded, Ann Wilson was still drop dead sexy in a bodice-ripping, serving wench in a Hammer vampire movie sort of way. In 2010, of course, her significant other (whoever that might be) probably has to feel her up with a catcher's mitt.

4. The Notorious B.I.G. -- Juicy

Yeah, yeah, a lot of people thought the whole East Coast/West Coast hip-hop feud of the 90s was a big deal. Puhleeze. Like it could hold a candle to the Big Band war of the 40s, when musicians from the Glenn Miller Orchestra and Woody Herman's Thundering Herd were popping caps on each others asses on an almost daily basis.

3. Solomon Burke -- Cry to Me

Solomon Burke - Cry to Me .mp3
Found at bee mp3 search engine
The late great Burke was always a rather large guy, but let's be honest -- by the beginning of the current century he'd become (in Nick Tosches' immortal phrse) such a big fat fuck he mostly couldn't be bothered to get out of his chair even when in front of an audience.

2. Bachman-Turner Overdrive -- You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet

Yeah, right. Bachman-Turner overweight was more like it.

And the Numero Uno big-boned song of them all most likely has to be....

1. Mountain -- Flowers of Evil

Ah, Leslie West -- the obese Eric Clapton. I actually think Mountain are a tad underrated (the Nantucket Sleighride album is a lovely piece of work, IMHO, as is the LP from whence the above derives) but West himself deserves respect for having inspired perhaps the coolest of all album titles -- The Great Fatsby.

Alrighty then -- and what would your choices be?

[Shameless Blogwhore: My parallel Cinema Listomania -- theme: best or worst horror film whose story involves a backstage show-biz milieu -- is now up over at Box Office here. As always, I'd be in your debt, eternally, if you could pop over there and say something obnoxious. Or perceptive. Or just hello, if you're of a mind -- I'm not picky. Thanks!]